K, so I&#039ve spent some time mulling things over with the husband and part of what we came up with is this: I&#039m not human.

It&#039s not that I&#039m not human as in I have no heartbeat or that I don&#039t have two legs, two arms and a head &#039cause I have all that stuff; I&#039m not human because that seems to be how people most often react to me. I tell people that I like French or that I&#039m studying linguistics, and I get this &#034You&#039re not human&#034 look because who the hell studies that? No one. Well, no one or the &#034nameless other&#034 that can&#039t possibly be human because they don&#039t have a face or two legs and two arms, etc. So, since I study this &#034esoteric&#034 stuff, I&#039m not human.

I&#039m definitely not human because of my work/class loads. As of next Monday, in addition to the 28 hours I work at two jobs on campus, the 11 hours of classes I&#039m taking and the 3 hours of class that I&#039m teaching, I&#039ll also be substituting for a section of University 101 (the same class I taught a year ago) while the actual teacher takes a month off for back surgery. Clearly no one who&#039s human could shoulder such a busy schedule, especially not when you consider that not only will I do this, I will still make As in all of my classes and I will still do a great job at both the tutoring center and the library. I refuse to accept anything less. This mentality, likewise, is also quite impossible in the face of such a clearly impossible schedule, therefore I&#039m not human.

I guess I&#039m also not human because I don&#039t seem to think like one, or at least that&#039s what people tell me when I make connections between seemingly unconnected things (Everything&#039s connected, believe me.), so that&#039s not human. I think all the time as well, never allowing my brain to just go into neutral, and for some odd reason, other people don&#039t seem to do this, so that must be non-human as well. Being an intellectual sure isn&#039t something that&#039s valued here in the United States because &#034we think with our feelings,&#034 and since I think with my head, that must be a non-human characteristic.

So, I&#039m not human, or at least that&#039s how I must seem to other people. I guess it comes as a big surprise to most when I &#034suddenly become emotional&#034 and cease being the superhuman/non-human robot thing that they&#039ve come to depend on. I really must seem like a happy-go-lucky person all the time because why else would it surprise so many people when I get upset at something they say or do? I mean, any other normal human being would never put up with as much as I do, so I must not be human for putting up with/doing as much as I do, right? Hmm. Or maybe I&#039m just thinking too much. Then again, I&#039d rather be thinking about my life and how I treat other people than to not think about how I treat other people at all. That really sucks.

Posted: September 13, 2004 at 7:33 pm.