I feel blah. I mean, sure there’s the horrible weather with its biting winds and sporadic snow which doesn’t help especially since I’ve got SAD, but it’s more than that. I just feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I guess what bothers me the most about feeling especially blah today is that this has been an on-going issue for some time now that I’ve just now begun to recognize as something of a problem. I guess I was just passing off the recent blah to SAD or feeling under the weather or whatever, but really, this blah is a deeper blah. It’s hard to explain.

I think a lot of it has to do with work. When I was at SASC, I had someone in my office to bounce ideas and jokes off of while working. The people there were constantly popping in and out just to say “hi,” and even if Heather and I were the odd-ones-out off in our little corner, we were still very much a part of the bizarre SASC community thanks to weekly meetings and luncheons and the like. I was at work all day long in front of my computer so I had plenty of time to check and catch up on e-mails, and I actually did check and catch up on e-mails. Since last semester, I’ve been so bad about checking and replying to e-mails that I’ve almost gotten to the point of not doing it at all. My students constantly ask me if I got an e-mail they sent and I keep replying, “I haven’t checked them yet today, but it’s probably there.” This is horribly irresponsible, but I just can’t bring myself to mess with it. I don’t know why. I just don’t want to reach out to people or be reached, I guess. It’s odd. Or maybe it’s the method: maybe I want actual human interaction rather than electronic. I don’t know. But it bothers me.

I’ve also not been responding much to written mail either. I got lots of cards and letters over winter break and I haven’t even opened a couple. I don’t know why. There’s no reason for it. I really like all the people who sent me stuff, and yet I don’t want to open up many of the letters because I’m afraid they’ll ask me where I’ve been or why I haven’t been in contact in so long. I mean, really, since last spring and the thesis, I just haven’t been in contact with anyone. I have lots of friends all over who have sent me letters and e-mails and I was too busy to give them the proper attention at the time and now I feel silly for not having gotten back to them sooner and so I just hit this block where I can’t seem to do anything. It’s all so horribly confusing in my head that I can’t even get it out in words on the screen to where it’s comprehensible to anyone else. Rrrr.

I dunno. I just feel like I’ve hit this impasse and that I need something drastically different. I miss my research. I miss my novels. I miss actually finishing most of the craft projects I’ve begun. I have several cross stitch projects and a few crochet ones that I’ve started and just sort of stopped–one of which is Sarah’s wedding present! (Sorry, sis! The thesis sort of nudged that one out at the time, but I’m trying to get back to it!) I want to finish fixing up our library in the living room. I want to organize the file cabinets. I want to revamp my webpage. And why don’t I? I don’t know. Pisses me off. And yet I keep coming back to the idea that it’s all tied in with work. It’s so unstructured and open, and since I’m not in my office for very long, that leaves me at home where I’m struck with too many options and just give up and give in to watching movies or playing games.

I’m seriously thinking of just not coming back next fall and getting a job someplace full-time like–well, lots of places–just so I can have that structured chunk of time taken out leaving less time for me to do unstructured stuff. I need a break. I need a change. I feel stagnant, and my work here is clearly reflecting that since I can’t even be creative enough to come up with fun and interesting lesson plans. Mind you, I enjoy it here and I like teaching, but my own sanity really ought to fit in there somewhere. I can’t keep pulling away from everyone and everything, and I can’t let myself get more reserved and withdrawn. Hell, I’ve become so withdrawn and reserved that I’ve barely been able to bring myself to update the webpage. I just haven’t been able to make myself reach out even that much. I can’t keep telling myself that it’ll get better when the weather does because this has been going on far longer than the snow and cold.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Now that I’ve realized that this problem is getting worse and worse to the point of depression (although maybe I’m already there and have been there a while but it took getting to an extreme point to bring it to my attention), I guess that at least I have a starting point to try and bring myself out of this deep funk, this blah. I mean, getting excited about WoW was enough to remind me that there is new and different stuff out there to do, that I don’t have to stay in this rut. It’s something to work on, I suppose. I just hope it doesn’t take too long. I already have a crapload and a half of e-mails to get to.