No, this isn’t the rant I was talking about this morning. This is in response to lunch in the Commons with the throngs of other ISU students, staff and faculty. First off, before I begin my laundry list of problems with crowds, I need to point out that I should start bringing in my lunch every day to try and avoid the aforementioned crowds. That being said, here’s my list of gripes against crowds.

1. It’s easier to be spotted in a large crowd.
   
         This might sound a little counterintuitive, but oddly enough, I think this is more likely than hiding in a crowd. First off, what are people doing in the Commons? Eating? Probably, but the vast majority of them are there socializing. What’s part of socializing? Checking out who’s in the same place as you and what they’re doing. Even if a person in the middle of a conversation with someone else, they’re still checking out everyone around them. Humans are paranoid and self-conscious and figure that other people are watching them–especially in public places–whether anyone is or not.
   
         Therefore, because everyone’s being paranoid and self-conscious watching everyone else who’s watching everyone else to see if they’re being watched, it’s easy for people to spot friends, classmates, co-workers, etc. because they’re already looking at everyone. That makes it hard to walk across the Commons, especially when you’ve been on campus as long as I have and know as many people as I do from over a dozen different departments. What should be a short trip across the Commons to the bathroom becomes a ten-minute stop-start session every ten to twenty feet. Sometimes the stop is welcome because it’s someone I like and haven’t seen in a while. Sometimes the stop is irritating because the person is irritating and won’t let me leave or even follows me, sometimes to my seat thereby nullifying a peaceful lunch. Most of the time, it’s just a matter of stopping constantly and saying, “Hi! How’re you? Good,” and then moving on. Maybe it’s because I was never popular in high school, so suddenly being so well-known is bizarre. More than likely, it’s because I don’t like interruptions and generally have someplace I want to be. Crowds make that difficult because of their size (therefore impeding movement) and because of the recognition factor.

2. Crowds mean constant interruption.
   
         As I was mentioning before with constantly being stopped while walking, crowds also mean constant interruptions once seated. This takes on many forms ranging from people who know me stopping to say hi to people bumping my chair. See above to figure out my position on being interrupted at my seat by people who know me. The same rules pretty much apply though the exchange is more likely to be irritating when seated because I tend to be reading or writing and don’t like constantly stopping. Unless the person doing the interrupting is a friend, there’s no way in hell I’m happy when someone sits down with me without having been invited so they can blab on about something I’m sure to be uninterested in because they’ve effectively just annoyed me.
   
         Not quite as annoying but equally irritating are the interruptions caused by the people around me. This is most often in the form of getting bumped into because someone chose to walk behind me clumsily or people who somehow manage to jar my table (hence messing up writing/drawing) as they walk past as if there isn’t enough room to navigate around me in other directions. That’s the most common, but the next would have to be loud people. I get the fact that the Commons is loud because of the sheer number of people, but shouting or screaming or laughing like a hyena or making those @#$%^&*?! whooping noises is completely unnecessary. If everyone were to talk a little quieter, then there would be no need for screaming or shouting. The laughing like a hyena is just how some people are naturally, and since their genes have yet to be selected against, I suppose it’s staying. As for the @#$%^&*?! whooping noises that sound like wild animals’ mating calls? That’s just fucking retarded; stop it altogether. I hate having my reverie or poem or novel interrupted because two people on opposite ends of the Commons decide they need to signal each other using anything louder than a wave of the hand.

3. Being in a crowd makes you paranoid and self-conscious.
   
         Remember what I was saying about people constantly watching other people because they think they’re being watched? That common when in a crowd. If someone’s not sitting there already thinking about how others are looking at their shoes, hair, make-up, jewelry, backpack or whatever, then they might be asking “Why not?” Or they are constantly wondering if someone’s going to come up and steal their stuff from under the table or from the chair beside them, constanly looking at it to make sure it’s still there every two minutes. Some people are paranoid that someone will walk up behind them and touch them. Some people are paranoid that someone will walk up and spill their tray on them. Some people are paranoid that someone will walk up and start talking to them, maybe even take a seat without having been asked to sit down. Only those deeply immersed in conversation or deeply immersed in homework/reading/watching a DVD on their laptops have the slight chance of being immune to this all-encompasing paranoia and self-awareness.

4. Crowds of people are stupid.
   
         An individual may be smart, but crowds of people creates waves of stupidity. Sometimes I try to block out the innane chatter of soroity chicks going on and on about so-and-so’s dress and who they slept with this weekend. Sometimes I can imagine I’m not hearing some freshman talking about “Ohmigod you wouldn’t believe what happened to me when I went home this weekend to my high school boyfriend…blah blah blah.” Sometimes I grit my teeth to avoid hearing frat boys talk about their latest beer-bingeing conquest. Sometimes I can stop listening when some jock is going on about how they “only” got so much for their scholarship and they’re going to major in English ’cause it’s “easy” and that way they can be a coach for high school [insert stupid-ass sport here].
   
         So often do I want to plug my ears up to keep from having to listen to some punky little waif of a girl with five yards of clothing on her and two tons of metal in her skin prattle on about how Daddy took the car away for a day. I want to block out the tall thin, fake-tanned blondes wearing half a yard of fabric talk about what facial cream they use and why this tanning salon sucks ass and why do they have to park so far away from their dorm because it isn’t fair because now they have to walk an extra ten feet. I could scream if I hear one more guy going on about where he got his tires or his earring or his tatoo or his girlfriend or his nut off or his spring break vacation deal. The stupidity, inanity and insanity of the people talking in line, at surrounding tables and as I pass is just irritating because I can’t switch it off and I can’t ignore it. It’s as though these people can’t figure out a way to keep their mouths shut, so they just let them run regardless of what vomitous crap comes out. Crowds are stupid. Plain and simple.

I get the fact that I have a lot of agoraphobic tendencies, and I get the fact that not everyone feels the same way about crowds at all. Maybe they don’t pay as much attention to being in a large mass of seething humans. Whatever it is, I know that I hate being in crowds. Some days it’s not so bad, but some days just make me pack up after five minutes to go outside and sit by the fish pond. That is, if I can make it outside by the time my lunch break ends. Crowds have a way of trying to force people to stay. I hate crowds.