Yeah, yeah, haven&#039t posted in forever. I suppose I should really be berating myself for that as well as the fact that I haven&#039t posted any pictures of Delaware yet or done any of the other half dozen things that I&#039ve had planned for this summer. I don&#039t think I&#039ll beat myself up over it though &#039cause I&#039m just really not in the mood. I mean, I&#039m always beating myself up over something, but at least yesterday I did something constructive rather than play video games (SWG or the PS2) all night. I cleaned up part of my desk, finished putting the laundry away from Saturday (I normally put it up immediately after getting home, but Lushbaugh wanted to go for a walk.), and even finished that dress I started a while back. Let me tell you, my fingers have plenty of little holes in them right now, so I&#039m more porous than usual. I&#039ve even got an eighth-inch gash across one knuckle. But it&#039s done, and that&#039s what&#039s important. My first major sewing project completed; time to screw up the next one. I mean, the dress looks fine; I just don&#039t think that I look fine in it. The husband says it&#039s okay, that maybe I should have gone for a darker color. I, however, am sadly disappointed. Not in the dress mind you (well, maybe a little in the dress), but mostly in my body. I&#039ve been exercising more and well, occasionally trying to eat better, but I still look like I&#039m five months pregnant or something with this ridiculous pot belly of mine. My arms are fairly proportional, my legs while thick are at least more proportional than they could be, but then I&#039ve got this @#$%^&* gut that mocks me every time I wear something that actually is close-fitting. And people wonder why I wear loose T-shirts and baggy jeans. I think it&#039s an embarrassment, and I&#039m getting increasingly annoyed with myself for not being disciplined enough to do anything about it. <Sigh> I dunno. I&#039ve just been feeling really low about this whole weight thing for a while now, ever since I actually started slowly gaining weight my sophomore year, really. It&#039s just worse now for some odd reason. I&#039ve been in a funk over this pretty heavily for the past couple weeks, and I guess my own self-loathing is making me shrink back, making me pull away from people… hence the lapse in posting, I guess. I&#039m not even sure why I&#039m posting all this now if for nothing else than to simply post something so you all (the four or five of you who admit to ever being here) know that I&#039m not dead. <Shrug> Dead, I&#039d just get even more bloated and fat until my corpse starts to decay. There&#039s a happy thought to end the post on.

Posted: July 20, 2004 at half past eight.