Guest Art submissions: 2

My socks are wet. So are the lower few inches of my jeans. My backpack is airing out after a good drenching during the walk across campus. The green umbrekka is unfurled beside my desk forming a protective barrier between the world and me–protective, that is, for the world. If there’s one thing the world doesn’t need right now, it’s me.

My knees both hurt. Arthritis sucks generally, but today it’s sucking hardcore because of the rain. Add to that the backpack with Buster and supplies in it and wheeling a suitcase with three binders, a dictionary, and about eight books in it, and you’ve got a lot of weight and strange tensions pulling on them further. Add to that the fact that the @#$% %^#*$% @#(*&%#$ elevator was out of order this morning when I hauled all this in, and you’ve got some very pissed off knees and a far more pissed-off owner. The headache doesn’t help. Nor does the fact that my job’s status for the rest of this semester is in question. Nor does the fact that the van’s windshield wipers likewise are affected by this broken dash bullshit. Nor does the fact that I’m still not $*&^#%*@ done with the thesis. Nor does the fact that I’m behind on every other aspect of my life such as the fish tank cleaning, laundry, webpage, projects, reading, class, clubs, exercising, diet, whatever.

I know that I’ve got almost 70 pages total with the thesis; I know that I’ve accomplished a lot here at work; I know that people look up to me and consider me to be quite the overacheiever; but I feel like a failure. I’m sure it’s just the stress and constant flow of irriations and frustrations from work and driving and arthritis and being me. This too shall pass, but godfuckingdammitalltohellandback if I’m going to be chipper about it. I’m in pain. I’m tired. I’m overworked and my job is about to be yanked out from under me regardless of how much good I do in this position. I’m depressed and stressed and the best thing for me would be to get away from myself for a while, but the chances of that aren’t good…short of another mental break. I might welcome being someone else again for a while. It scares Ian, but it’s like a brain reboot for a short time.

<Sigh> I hate this weather. I hate spring. I hate March. I hate this tension as everything in my life pulls on everything else, distorting it and forcing it out of kilter. Fucking life. It’s stupid. It’s all just a big joke and the punchline sucks. I think I’ll leave early today. If I stay here, I’m just going to break something…or someone.

Thesis counter: ??/??       Insult of the day: groulasse ‘errand girl’